I caught A Virus…

how it transformed me..

sweating & shaking, then the stillness, moved me to more healing than I expected!

Now, I know what your thinking… we are all bound to get it… or it maybe that it doesn’t exist at all… either way… I have been sick the past week… the first three days of fever & shivering, aches and pains, even into parts of me I didn’t know I could feel… and the dreams! oh, the dreams!

I had moments of concentration, but they didn’t last for long, so I simply had the radio on (yes, remember the radio!) or movies on… in the background… breaking the silence, taking my mind off the pain…

All this being said, I was being looked after by my amazing husband, with patience and diligence… I was so fortunate to not have to prepare meals or leave the bed.

The third day was a little easier physically… and that’s when my whole self began to change… I began to be in the silence with myself, with God, with my shadows in a whole new way…

(Before I go any further, maybe a little background to help with the storyline… I am moving my Kinesiology clinic space in two weeks, and have been actively working to acknowledge and release any stagnation, hard edges or blockages that might hinder the new space… I want a clean slate going into the new space… so I have been journaling, having kinesiology balances (thanks Pam Sussman), walking etc… and so I was ripe for the picking…)

I sweated heavily overnight, and I had dreams that spoke directly to me… including Kevin Costner taking off his shirt (!).. Oh, you’re a ‘cleanskin’ I said… mmmm… on waking… I wonder what that could mean…

I asked God for inspiration and guidance re the new clinic space, for dates and ideas, as I had wiped the slate clean of any ideas I had pushed through, any groups or dates… what I had pushed for may not have been the ideal timing or energies..

I began to write as openly and letting it flow… so much came out… pure gifting and pure Grace..

My ‘WHY’, with such clarity and confidence I had never felt before… the clarity around my habitual impatience and inability to ‘just hold onto an idea’, ‘just wait a day or two and let it sit and take it’s own form’.. the unconscious triggering of trauma… the understanding of my nervous system in a whole new light.. and so, I could think of sitting with an idea before creating it.. I might be able to let something hang in the air until it was ready… rather than action from fear and the need to satiate my discomfort… I can and must relearn to act from a place of stillness and a place that heals and holds…

Stop splitting myself… stop crafting for the fear of not… grow what I do best, know best and love best.

The next day, I awoke after a few dreams, and began writing immediately… it was 5.13 am, and off I went.. This morning the vision from the dream was of a warrior, yes me… a spiritual warrior… my Sacred Why… my Divine Imperative… writing and writing… strength and clarity… writing and writing… to know Divine clarity for, and in, my voice, my breath and my wholeness…

I understood with such clarity my ‘separation’ and ‘resistance’ to allow this, to feel this and to be this… the spiritual warrior I have been gifted to be… that I have been running from since I can remember…

I understood with such clarity the pain and stiffness in my body that has been trying for so long to tell me what is going on… what is my resistance is doing to my body…

… my job is to help reunite and connect people (and me) back to this Sacred Union, this Divine Birthright. That is my ‘Spiritual Warrior’ – that is my Divine Imperative.

To connect back to Divine Love – to our Creator, Wordsmith and Breath.

Which then led into…

The imperative to heal the inter-generational wounds held inside me from my matrilineage…

And, so I wrote, and ceremonied, and wrote some more… healed some, asked questions, healed some more… wrote some more… healed some more… and at the end of 3 hours, together, we had acknowledged and healed a few generations of trauma… held in me, held by them… needing space to be aired and honoured… together, in circle we held hands and healed the guilt, sadness, hurt and loneliness of the generations… of the women who came before me… of my bones…

Still in circle together, we replaced the traumas with peaceful, relaxed, integrated and freedom…

AND SO… what an amazing privilege having this fever has been for my matrilineage… to be honoured, acknowledged and healed.. all together, all around a fire, all holding hands and wishing the best for each other.

And… now I know what Kevin meant by a ‘cleanskin’… I am now a cleanskin… no marks, patterns or blemishes on me from past generations… now, I have just my own to play with!

The next day I woke having asked God for illumination around dates and putting something on the ‘slate’ that I had cleared…

Seriously, I woke with ‘Friday Lives’… which I take to mean something live on facebook/Insta… but that’s not what I mean, that’s not enough I cried!

And, so with Grace and mercy, I was given May 20…mmmm…. what will that be… I know, the new clinic space open  night/party – YES! I have something to plan and put in the calender… and so resist actually writing anything in the calender all day… just sitting with it.. allowing it to form and find itself… and yes, it was torture, but it started to form and shape… to grow wings and fly on it’s own…

Day 6 sees me wake with this sentence in my mind…

“choosing the option that makes me right”.

Why this sentence, after the  night before, asking for clarity about the ‘fullness’ in my gut..

And, so I explore… I write and I ask…. what the ‘game show’ dream is showing me… what that sentence is showing me…and in the end of much internal writing and chat, I arrive with ‘comfort’… I chose the option of comfort that confirms by internal dialogues and fears… I choose that form of ‘comfort’ because I have trained my self not to feel….to cover, to bury, to do anything but…

I am so ‘full’ of unfelt and unrecognised emotions – those that I don’t want to feel, that I reject and ignore and brush over… I have trained myself not NOT FEEL… I am seeing the patterns of old trauma clearly, holding on for dear life in my present…

I write some more… more words of trauma and change come… more words, more shadow… more release…and then breakthrough…

do not be afraid to speak what I need or want

do not diminish , ignore or cover my needs

but… be brave, be responsible…

BE what I need!

I fall asleep wondering what dream and awakenings I will have tomorrow morning at 5am?

And.. true to form, on day 7, I wake early with the words ‘It’s all about the rules…. the rules’… and so I wrote… and I wondered what would come… the rules… the rules…

The rules I have kept religiously – rule 1, I am not worthy. Rule 2,Don’t rise above your station. Rule 3, Don’t disappoint anyone. Rule 4, Give till it hurts… and I wrote some more… and more…

And then I cam up with a new rule – ‘Fuck the rules”!

I wrote and made some some rules… all beginning with “I can”!

My first new rule – I can fuck the rules!

The next day was get out day, but with symptoms still, I stayed inside and out of reach… I was beginning to like the seclusion… I was loving the quiet and the discovery tour.

In the evening I wrote two Contemplative meditations, which I can’t wait to share… they just keep on coming… who am I to stop them?

And… today, my day of freedom… the day I test negative, and the day I get to play out in the world again! And, what a day it is.

I walk with my family by the water, look out to the horizon again and see the big expanse again. I walk and smile and feel such gratitude…

I notice that I am walking differently… more upright, landing differently on my feet, not so much ‘duck feet’ I noticed before, but narrower… different… I am different out in the world… , my posture, my gaite, my perspective, my wisdom and understandings….

The last observation in my post-Covid awareness… During the 3pm Good Friday service we attended as a family,  I noticed two differences in my physical state… firstly I wasn’t fidgety, by that I mean I usually find it difficult to sit still, and today, i was still, in mind and body. My voice was the other difference – when we sang, I noticed my voice was deeper, and even on key… I have never been a good singer… but today, my voice had a life of its own… I was singing as ig it was someone else’s voice…. it was so interesting – I loved noticing the changes and I loved being the change.

And now, I finish my Virus time…. I hope you enjoyed it as much as me.

Lisa

xoox